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Coping with stress – a short course

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Welcome to the course.

This first section is all about stress and worry.

We all get stressed sometimes. It can be helpful to know how to deal with it. Stress can be bad for you, bad for your relationship, and bad for your children.

In this section, you will learn about:

How your worries can get in the way.
The different ways stress can affect you.
Ways of coping with stress.
Why alcohol isn’t always the best way of coping.

Perhaps most importantly, dealing with stress through drinking can lead to arguments with your partner, and these arguments can leave your children feeling worried, frightened and confused.

Activity progress 0 of 30 Complete

1

Understanding you

Before we get going, we'd really like to understand a bit more about you. Your input is really appreciated, and it helps us to see how you’re getting on. Every answer you give will be kept private, and will never be shared with anyone. It's purely to help us understand you and your needs.

Ask the community | Course

2

Section 1: What is stress?

How often do you find yourself feeling stressed? A couple of times a week? Every day?There are times in all our lives when we feel stressed. In those times, we might do things that are bad for us, like arguing with our partners, or drinking more alcohol.Because of this, it’s helpful to know where stress comes from and how to deal with it in a healthy way. So, how does stress come about? As the following clip shows, it has to do with your DEMANDS and RESOURCES. Watch the clip Now think about the stress in your life. Based on the clip you have just watched, think about these questions: What are your DEMANDS? What kinds of things can cause you stress? What are your RESOURCES? Which ways of coping do you tend to rely on? What happens when your DEMANDS outweigh your RESOURCES? Remember that ALCOHOL might feel like a way of coping, but it can sometimes end up causing more stress.

Ask the community | Course

3

How stress comes about

Stress isn’t the same for everyone. Something that you find easy to cope with might be very stressful for your partner. It depends on YOU and your RESOURCES. As the next clip shows, you might even cope better or worse depending on how you feel on the day. Watch the next clip:

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4

Major events and daily hassles

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5

How does stress affect you?

Think about a time recently when you have been stressed. What was it like for you? The effects of stress can include: Thoughts Feelings Actions Sometimes, stress can lead to actions that may make things even worse – like avoiding our friends, and smoking or drinking more. Take a look at these SIGNS OF STRESS. Have a think about which of these you've experienced in the last few weeks.

Ask the community | Course

6

Inside and outside stress

Sometimes this stress will come from INSIDE your relationship, and sometimes it will come from OUTSIDE your relationship. Inside stress As a couple, and as parents, there will be stressful times when you need to support each other. INSIDE STRESS is stress that is directly connected to your relationship with your partner. It might include arguments, having different goals, problems with your children, or anything else that affects you both, like one of you using alcohol. Outside stress OUTSIDE STRESS is stress that comes from outside your relationship. It might include stress with money, work, friends, in-laws, or anything else.It can seem like these kinds of stress have nothing to do with your relationship, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, these OUTSIDE stresses can spill over into your relationship and become INSIDE stresses.

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7

Stress and relationships

There are four main ways that OUTSIDE STRESS can spill over into your relationship: TIME: When you or your partner have a lot of stress in your life, you have less time for each other. COMMUNICATION: If you are stressed, you may argue more or snap at each other. HEALTH: Stress can be bad for your body. You may feel unwell and want to be alone. Stress can even make you less interested in sex. BEHAVIOUR: When you are stressed, you might behave in a way you wouldn’t normally. Stress can make you impatient or grumpy, and less willing to see things from your partner’s point of view. Stress can also be linked with DRINKING ALCOHOL. In the short term, having a drink can feel like it’s helping with stress. But the original problems will still be there the next day and you might feel less able to deal with them. Watch Darren’s story:

Ask the community | Course

8

Where does your stress come from?

Where does YOUR stress come from? The STRESS TARGET can help you think about which areas of your life are causing you stress. Have a look at the list of words below. Imagine where you might place each one on the target, depending on how much stress it is causing you. The more stressful it is, the closer to the centre it would go. Something really stressful would go in the middle. Something that’s not stressful at all can stay off the target. When stress is all piled up, you can imagine that it all gets clustered around the middle. At times like these, it can be hard to think about anything else. You can also ask your partner to do their own stress target: How do your stress targets compare? Are you both stressed about the same things?

Ask the community | Course

9

Check in: key messages

You’re making great progress. Well done! In the rest of this section, you will learn more about how to cope with stress as a couple. You have already learned a lot about stress. What key messages can you remember? Stress can affect you, your relationship, and your children. Stress happens when DEMANDS outweigh RESOURCES. You may react differently to stress, depending on how you feel on the day. Stress from DAILY HASSLES can be just as hard to cope with as stress from MAJOR EVENTS. Stress can affect you through your THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and ACTIONS. Stress can come from INSIDE or OUTSIDE your relationship. Stress from outside can spill over into your relationship. Drinking ALCOHOL can often make stress worse, not better. How might you and your partner use these lessons in your lives? What do you think would change if you do?

Ask the community | questions

10

Coping with stress together

The next few pages are all about how you can cope with stress together, without relying on alcohol.If someone you love is under stress, you will probably want to help them feel better. When you and your partner both know the best ways to support each other, it can be easier to find healthy ways to deal with stress, and let go of unhealthy ways of coping, like drinking alcohol.This can make things better for you and your partner, as well as your children.You will learn about: The best way to support each other through stress. How we show that we are stressed. The five rules of talking about stress.

Ask the community | stress

11

How 'my' stress becomes 'our' stress

When you or partner are stressed, try not to think of it as MY STRESS or YOUR STRESS. Instead, think of it as OUR STRESS – something for you to deal with together. This clip shows why it’s best to work together as a couple, even when only one of you is going through a hard time. Watch the clip:

Ask the community | Course

12

Recognising stress

How do you know when your partner is stressed? How does your partner know when you are stressed?Knowing how to recognise stress is the first step to being able to support each other. We might express stress VERBALLY, by talking about it. But we might also express it NON-VERBALLY, through our body language and facial expressions.What kinds of things does your partner do that let you know they are stressed?

Ask the community | Course

13

Talking about stress

How do you tell your partner about your stress? If you’ve had a hard day, you might just want to talk about what happened. This can help you get things off your chest, but it isn’t always enough. Your partner might know what happened, but they may not know how it made you feel. ACTIVITY 1: How do you let your partner know that you are stressed? Think about a recent time when you felt stressed. What did you do to let your partner know? ACTIVITY 2: How does your partner let you know that they are stressed? Think about a recent time when your partner seemed stressed. What did they do to let YOU know?

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14

How to talk about stress

How do you and your partner talk to each other about your stress and worries? The next time you’re talking about stress, try to stick to the five rules. They can help you have better conversations with your partner. Here is a helpful reminder of the five rules: Stick to the facts Say how you feel Really listen Reflect back Ask for support

Ask the community | Course

15

Supporting each other

When your partner has a problem, you can offer support in two different ways: 1. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: This is when you show that you have understood.2. PRACTICAL SUPPORT: This is when you offer ways of solving the problem. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT is important because it shows your partner that you are there for them. It is always better to listen first without offering advice. Listen to your partner’s feelings. Show that you understand. Give them a confidence boost: “You can do it!” Stick together. Reassure them. This doesn’t mean that you can’t offer PRACTICAL SUPPORT at all, but you should try to offer EMOTIONAL SUPPORT first. The next two clips will show you how this works. Ada tells Jason about a problem. In the first clip, Jason offers PRACTICAL SUPPORT without offering emotional support. Watch the first clip: Jason doesn’t offer much emotional support. He seems impatient and annoyed. Right at the start, he says: “It’s them that’s meant to be dealing with it”. Then he dismisses the problem: “It’s probably just a phase”. When Ada comes up with her own solution, Jason doesn’t really want to help. He says: “There’s no point in overreacting”. Even when Ada tells him how upset she is, he ignores her. Instead, he offers this practical support, which isn’t very helpful: “Maybe we should start looking for a different nursery”. Can you see from Ada’s body language that this isn’t the response she was hoping for? Now watch the second clip. This time, Jason offers EMOTIONAL SUPPORT first. This time, Jason is a much better listener. He turns towards Ada and shows he understands: “Oh no”. Ada then has a chance to talk about how she feels. Jason comforts her: “I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your own”. Jason asks questions to find out more about the problem: “What do you think is causing it?” He offers reassurance: “You’re not useless”. Jason does offer practical support, but only after he has listened to Ada. When Ada suggests seeing the doctor, Jason says: “Let me book it”. Can you see that Jason’s response was more helpful this time? Ada feels better supported emotionally, so it’s easier for her to accept the offer of practical support. What else do you notice about the way Jason and Ada communicate with each other? What could you do to help your partner feel more supported in future? What did Jason do in the second clip that you might be able to try? What would make it easier to do this? What would make it harder?

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16

Finding solutions

Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning. How to set goals What would you like to do differently?You can set goals by going to your dashboard and clicking on ‘manage’.Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Make eye contact to show I understand. Comfort my partner when they are upset. Try to listen more. Ask my partner questions to find out more. Reassure my partner. The most important this is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.

Ask the community | Course

17

How are you getting on?

It's really useful for us to see how things are going for you. Please click the button below and quickly answer a couple of questions. When the button goes green you can move on!

Ask the community | questions

18

End of Section 1

Well done! You have reached another milestone. In the final section, you will learn more about how to handle difficult conversations with your partner. What key messages can you remember? You have already learned a lot about dealing with stress: MY STRESS or YOUR STRESS is usually OUR STRESS. There are lots of different ways to RECOGNISE stress. Sometimes we can tell someone is stressed through their BODY LANGUAGE. Give EMOTIONAL support before PRACTICAL support. The five rules for talking about stress: Listen to your partner’s feelings. Show that you understand. Give them a confidence boost: “You can do it!” Stick together. Reassure them. How might you and your partner could use these lessons in your lives? What do you think would change if you do? This might be a good time to take a breather and think about the stuff you've learned so far. When you're ready, come back and get ready for Section 2.

Ask the community | Course

19

Section 2: Arguing better – introduction

Section 2 is all about learning to argue better. Arguing is a normal part of being in a relationship. Some arguments are harmful, but did you know that some can be helpful? Learning to argue in the right way can help you sort things out more quickly and with less stress. You will learn about: How conversations get out of hand. The difference between harmful arguing and helpful arguing. How to stop arguing and stay calm.

Ask the community | Course

20

Section 2: Arguing better

All couples have disagreements. How you handle these can make a big difference to your relationship. When you and your partner argue, it can be HARMFUL or HELPFUL. HARMFUL arguments can be BAD for your relationship, and hard for your children: Trying to win. Blaming. Name-calling. Saying mean things. Being negative. HELPFUL arguments can be GOOD for your relationship, and can help your children learn vital skills: Considering each other’s feelings. Working together. Solving problems. Being affectionate. Staying positive. When couples have a lot of HARMFUL arguments, it can feel like they are on a downward spiral, moving away from each other.

Ask the community | Course

21

How conversations get out of hand

How do conversations get out of hand? Have a look at the next clip. Now think about your own relationship. What are your LOGS? What are the things you and your partner argue about the most? What is your MATCH? What usually starts an argument? How do you FUEL the fire? What do you each do that makes it worse? What’s your WATER? What can you do help calm things down?

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22

The 5:1 magic ratio

John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher, found that couples have better relationships when their POSITIVE MOMENTS outweigh their NEGATIVE MOMENTS. For every NEGATIVE MOMENT between you and your partner, you need FIVE POSITIVE MOMENTS to balance it out.

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23

Where you’re at

How well do you and your partner CURRENTLY get on? Where are you on the scale below? Move the slider around and think about these questions: Where are you now? Would your partner agree? Where would you like to be? It’s OK if you’re not yet where you’d like to be. It just means you need to think about the changes you might need to make. These questions can help you think about how you might start to do that: What would it look like if things were better? What would be happening? What needs to change? What could you and your partner do differently? How have you made up after falling out in the past?

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24

How can you turn HARMFUL arguments into HELPFUL arguments? When you know that an argument is happening, the first thing to do is STOP. This means: Staying calm Listening Trying to see it from your partner’s point of view You’ve just seen a situation going badly. In this clip, Jason CRITICISED Ada about the mess. Ada reacted by DEFENDING her position. This led to a HARMFUL ARGUMENT. Jason and Ada were: Critical Defensive Blaming each other Trying to win the argument There are three important skills that can help make your arguments more HELPFUL. 1. Stay calm When you are calm, it’s easier to stop the conversation from getting worse: Slow down Take a deep breath Keep your emotions under control Get your thoughts together 2. Listen Sometimes, when we should be listening, we are too busy thinking about what we are going to say next. When you really listen, it will be easier to understand your partner’s point of view. 3. See things differently It’s easy to assume the worst, but you won’t always know the whole story. Try and see things from your partner’s point of view before you respond. Now watch the next clip to see how things can go better when you use these skills. What did Jason do differently? Did you see how he stayed calm and listened? How did this make it easier for Ada to respond? Why was Jason able to see things from Ada’s point of view? How did this help the conversation? On the next page, you will hear how Jason and Ada felt in each of these situations.

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25

Reflections on a situation

Listen to how Jason and Ada felt when the situation was going badly. Now listen to how Jason and Ada felt when the situation was going better. Next time you find yourself getting drawn into an argument with your partner, remember – the first step is to STOP: Stay calm Listen Try to see things from your partner’s point of view Only then can you start to sort out the problem.

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26

Finding solutions

Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning. How to set goals What would you like to do differently?You can set goals by going to your dashboard and clicking on ‘manage’.Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Stay calm – count to 10 before I respond. Listen to my partner without jumping in. Try to see it from my partner’s point of view. Notice when I criticise. Take a break if I start getting angry. Say two positive things to my partner every week. The most important this is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.

Ask the community | Course

27

Almost done. How are you getting on?

Well done on your progress so far. You're on your way to completing the course. We have a few more questions if you don't mind. You've seen these questions before, but we asking them again to see if anything has changed. It may seem a bit boring, but this is really important for helping us understand how you're getting on. This should only take a few minutes.

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28

Final questions!

You've almost made it through all of our questions – congratulations. Just a little way to go now. Some of these questions may look familiar to you, but please do bear with us – your answers here make all the difference.

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29

You're almost there!

We have a few last remaining questions for you. Thanks for bearing with us! They won't take you long, but your answers are incredibly valuable.

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30

Congratulations! You have completed the course. In this last part, you have learned about how to have better conversations with your partner: HARMFUL arguments can be BAD for your relationship. HELPFUL arguments can be GOOD for your relationship. We all have LOGS and MATCHES, but we also have ways to CALM thing down. For every NEGATIVE MOMENT between you and your partner, you need FIVE POSITIVE MOMENTS to balance it out. When things get tough, the first step is to STOP arguing. As you go about your daily life, keep an eye out for moments when these skills could be useful. Check in with your partner from time to time and remember that you can always come back here if you want to look at anything again. Thank you.

Article | Section 3

Activity progress 0 of 30 Complete

1

Understanding you

Before we get going, we'd really like to understand a bit more about you. Your input is really appreciated, and it helps us to see how you’re getting on. Every answer you give will be kept private, and will never be shared with anyone. It's purely to help us understand you and your needs.

Ask the community | Course

2

Section 1: What is stress?

How often do you find yourself feeling stressed? A couple of times a week? Every day?There are times in all our lives when we feel stressed. In those times, we might do things that are bad for us, like arguing with our partners, or drinking more alcohol.Because of this, it’s helpful to know where stress comes from and how to deal with it in a healthy way. So, how does stress come about? As the following clip shows, it has to do with your DEMANDS and RESOURCES. Watch the clip Now think about the stress in your life. Based on the clip you have just watched, think about these questions: What are your DEMANDS? What kinds of things can cause you stress? What are your RESOURCES? Which ways of coping do you tend to rely on? What happens when your DEMANDS outweigh your RESOURCES? Remember that ALCOHOL might feel like a way of coping, but it can sometimes end up causing more stress.

Ask the community | Course

3

How stress comes about

Stress isn’t the same for everyone. Something that you find easy to cope with might be very stressful for your partner. It depends on YOU and your RESOURCES. As the next clip shows, you might even cope better or worse depending on how you feel on the day. Watch the next clip:

Ask the community | Course

4

Major events and daily hassles

Ask the community | Course

5

How does stress affect you?

Think about a time recently when you have been stressed. What was it like for you? The effects of stress can include: Thoughts Feelings Actions Sometimes, stress can lead to actions that may make things even worse – like avoiding our friends, and smoking or drinking more. Take a look at these SIGNS OF STRESS. Have a think about which of these you've experienced in the last few weeks.

Ask the community | Course

6

Inside and outside stress

Sometimes this stress will come from INSIDE your relationship, and sometimes it will come from OUTSIDE your relationship. Inside stress As a couple, and as parents, there will be stressful times when you need to support each other. INSIDE STRESS is stress that is directly connected to your relationship with your partner. It might include arguments, having different goals, problems with your children, or anything else that affects you both, like one of you using alcohol. Outside stress OUTSIDE STRESS is stress that comes from outside your relationship. It might include stress with money, work, friends, in-laws, or anything else.It can seem like these kinds of stress have nothing to do with your relationship, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, these OUTSIDE stresses can spill over into your relationship and become INSIDE stresses.

Ask the community | Course

7

Stress and relationships

There are four main ways that OUTSIDE STRESS can spill over into your relationship: TIME: When you or your partner have a lot of stress in your life, you have less time for each other. COMMUNICATION: If you are stressed, you may argue more or snap at each other. HEALTH: Stress can be bad for your body. You may feel unwell and want to be alone. Stress can even make you less interested in sex. BEHAVIOUR: When you are stressed, you might behave in a way you wouldn’t normally. Stress can make you impatient or grumpy, and less willing to see things from your partner’s point of view. Stress can also be linked with DRINKING ALCOHOL. In the short term, having a drink can feel like it’s helping with stress. But the original problems will still be there the next day and you might feel less able to deal with them. Watch Darren’s story:

Ask the community | Course

8

Where does your stress come from?

Where does YOUR stress come from? The STRESS TARGET can help you think about which areas of your life are causing you stress. Have a look at the list of words below. Imagine where you might place each one on the target, depending on how much stress it is causing you. The more stressful it is, the closer to the centre it would go. Something really stressful would go in the middle. Something that’s not stressful at all can stay off the target. When stress is all piled up, you can imagine that it all gets clustered around the middle. At times like these, it can be hard to think about anything else. You can also ask your partner to do their own stress target: How do your stress targets compare? Are you both stressed about the same things?

Ask the community | Course

9

Check in: key messages

You’re making great progress. Well done! In the rest of this section, you will learn more about how to cope with stress as a couple. You have already learned a lot about stress. What key messages can you remember? Stress can affect you, your relationship, and your children. Stress happens when DEMANDS outweigh RESOURCES. You may react differently to stress, depending on how you feel on the day. Stress from DAILY HASSLES can be just as hard to cope with as stress from MAJOR EVENTS. Stress can affect you through your THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and ACTIONS. Stress can come from INSIDE or OUTSIDE your relationship. Stress from outside can spill over into your relationship. Drinking ALCOHOL can often make stress worse, not better. How might you and your partner use these lessons in your lives? What do you think would change if you do?

Ask the community | questions

10

Coping with stress together

The next few pages are all about how you can cope with stress together, without relying on alcohol.If someone you love is under stress, you will probably want to help them feel better. When you and your partner both know the best ways to support each other, it can be easier to find healthy ways to deal with stress, and let go of unhealthy ways of coping, like drinking alcohol.This can make things better for you and your partner, as well as your children.You will learn about: The best way to support each other through stress. How we show that we are stressed. The five rules of talking about stress.

Ask the community | stress

11

How 'my' stress becomes 'our' stress

When you or partner are stressed, try not to think of it as MY STRESS or YOUR STRESS. Instead, think of it as OUR STRESS – something for you to deal with together. This clip shows why it’s best to work together as a couple, even when only one of you is going through a hard time. Watch the clip:

Ask the community | Course

12

Recognising stress

How do you know when your partner is stressed? How does your partner know when you are stressed?Knowing how to recognise stress is the first step to being able to support each other. We might express stress VERBALLY, by talking about it. But we might also express it NON-VERBALLY, through our body language and facial expressions.What kinds of things does your partner do that let you know they are stressed?

Ask the community | Course

13

Talking about stress

How do you tell your partner about your stress? If you’ve had a hard day, you might just want to talk about what happened. This can help you get things off your chest, but it isn’t always enough. Your partner might know what happened, but they may not know how it made you feel. ACTIVITY 1: How do you let your partner know that you are stressed? Think about a recent time when you felt stressed. What did you do to let your partner know? ACTIVITY 2: How does your partner let you know that they are stressed? Think about a recent time when your partner seemed stressed. What did they do to let YOU know?

Ask the community | Course

14

How to talk about stress

How do you and your partner talk to each other about your stress and worries? The next time you’re talking about stress, try to stick to the five rules. They can help you have better conversations with your partner. Here is a helpful reminder of the five rules: Stick to the facts Say how you feel Really listen Reflect back Ask for support

Ask the community | Course

15

Supporting each other

When your partner has a problem, you can offer support in two different ways: 1. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: This is when you show that you have understood.2. PRACTICAL SUPPORT: This is when you offer ways of solving the problem. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT is important because it shows your partner that you are there for them. It is always better to listen first without offering advice. Listen to your partner’s feelings. Show that you understand. Give them a confidence boost: “You can do it!” Stick together. Reassure them. This doesn’t mean that you can’t offer PRACTICAL SUPPORT at all, but you should try to offer EMOTIONAL SUPPORT first. The next two clips will show you how this works. Ada tells Jason about a problem. In the first clip, Jason offers PRACTICAL SUPPORT without offering emotional support. Watch the first clip: Jason doesn’t offer much emotional support. He seems impatient and annoyed. Right at the start, he says: “It’s them that’s meant to be dealing with it”. Then he dismisses the problem: “It’s probably just a phase”. When Ada comes up with her own solution, Jason doesn’t really want to help. He says: “There’s no point in overreacting”. Even when Ada tells him how upset she is, he ignores her. Instead, he offers this practical support, which isn’t very helpful: “Maybe we should start looking for a different nursery”. Can you see from Ada’s body language that this isn’t the response she was hoping for? Now watch the second clip. This time, Jason offers EMOTIONAL SUPPORT first. This time, Jason is a much better listener. He turns towards Ada and shows he understands: “Oh no”. Ada then has a chance to talk about how she feels. Jason comforts her: “I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your own”. Jason asks questions to find out more about the problem: “What do you think is causing it?” He offers reassurance: “You’re not useless”. Jason does offer practical support, but only after he has listened to Ada. When Ada suggests seeing the doctor, Jason says: “Let me book it”. Can you see that Jason’s response was more helpful this time? Ada feels better supported emotionally, so it’s easier for her to accept the offer of practical support. What else do you notice about the way Jason and Ada communicate with each other? What could you do to help your partner feel more supported in future? What did Jason do in the second clip that you might be able to try? What would make it easier to do this? What would make it harder?

Ask the community | Course

16

Finding solutions

Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning. How to set goals What would you like to do differently?You can set goals by going to your dashboard and clicking on ‘manage’.Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Make eye contact to show I understand. Comfort my partner when they are upset. Try to listen more. Ask my partner questions to find out more. Reassure my partner. The most important this is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.

Ask the community | Course

17

How are you getting on?

It's really useful for us to see how things are going for you. Please click the button below and quickly answer a couple of questions. When the button goes green you can move on!

Ask the community | questions

18

End of Section 1

Well done! You have reached another milestone. In the final section, you will learn more about how to handle difficult conversations with your partner. What key messages can you remember? You have already learned a lot about dealing with stress: MY STRESS or YOUR STRESS is usually OUR STRESS. There are lots of different ways to RECOGNISE stress. Sometimes we can tell someone is stressed through their BODY LANGUAGE. Give EMOTIONAL support before PRACTICAL support. The five rules for talking about stress: Listen to your partner’s feelings. Show that you understand. Give them a confidence boost: “You can do it!” Stick together. Reassure them. How might you and your partner could use these lessons in your lives? What do you think would change if you do? This might be a good time to take a breather and think about the stuff you've learned so far. When you're ready, come back and get ready for Section 2.

Ask the community | Course

19

Section 2: Arguing better – introduction

Section 2 is all about learning to argue better. Arguing is a normal part of being in a relationship. Some arguments are harmful, but did you know that some can be helpful? Learning to argue in the right way can help you sort things out more quickly and with less stress. You will learn about: How conversations get out of hand. The difference between harmful arguing and helpful arguing. How to stop arguing and stay calm.

Ask the community | Course

20

Section 2: Arguing better

All couples have disagreements. How you handle these can make a big difference to your relationship. When you and your partner argue, it can be HARMFUL or HELPFUL. HARMFUL arguments can be BAD for your relationship, and hard for your children: Trying to win. Blaming. Name-calling. Saying mean things. Being negative. HELPFUL arguments can be GOOD for your relationship, and can help your children learn vital skills: Considering each other’s feelings. Working together. Solving problems. Being affectionate. Staying positive. When couples have a lot of HARMFUL arguments, it can feel like they are on a downward spiral, moving away from each other.

Ask the community | Course

21

How conversations get out of hand

How do conversations get out of hand? Have a look at the next clip. Now think about your own relationship. What are your LOGS? What are the things you and your partner argue about the most? What is your MATCH? What usually starts an argument? How do you FUEL the fire? What do you each do that makes it worse? What’s your WATER? What can you do help calm things down?

Ask the community | Course

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The 5:1 magic ratio

John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher, found that couples have better relationships when their POSITIVE MOMENTS outweigh their NEGATIVE MOMENTS. For every NEGATIVE MOMENT between you and your partner, you need FIVE POSITIVE MOMENTS to balance it out.

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Where you’re at

How well do you and your partner CURRENTLY get on? Where are you on the scale below? Move the slider around and think about these questions: Where are you now? Would your partner agree? Where would you like to be? It’s OK if you’re not yet where you’d like to be. It just means you need to think about the changes you might need to make. These questions can help you think about how you might start to do that: What would it look like if things were better? What would be happening? What needs to change? What could you and your partner do differently? How have you made up after falling out in the past?

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How can you turn HARMFUL arguments into HELPFUL arguments? When you know that an argument is happening, the first thing to do is STOP. This means: Staying calm Listening Trying to see it from your partner’s point of view You’ve just seen a situation going badly. In this clip, Jason CRITICISED Ada about the mess. Ada reacted by DEFENDING her position. This led to a HARMFUL ARGUMENT. Jason and Ada were: Critical Defensive Blaming each other Trying to win the argument There are three important skills that can help make your arguments more HELPFUL. 1. Stay calm When you are calm, it’s easier to stop the conversation from getting worse: Slow down Take a deep breath Keep your emotions under control Get your thoughts together 2. Listen Sometimes, when we should be listening, we are too busy thinking about what we are going to say next. When you really listen, it will be easier to understand your partner’s point of view. 3. See things differently It’s easy to assume the worst, but you won’t always know the whole story. Try and see things from your partner’s point of view before you respond. Now watch the next clip to see how things can go better when you use these skills. What did Jason do differently? Did you see how he stayed calm and listened? How did this make it easier for Ada to respond? Why was Jason able to see things from Ada’s point of view? How did this help the conversation? On the next page, you will hear how Jason and Ada felt in each of these situations.

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Reflections on a situation

Listen to how Jason and Ada felt when the situation was going badly. Now listen to how Jason and Ada felt when the situation was going better. Next time you find yourself getting drawn into an argument with your partner, remember – the first step is to STOP: Stay calm Listen Try to see things from your partner’s point of view Only then can you start to sort out the problem.

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Finding solutions

Now it’s time to set some goals. A goal can be a thing you want to happen, or a way you want to be. Goals are a good way to make sure you use the new skills you are learning. How to set goals What would you like to do differently?You can set goals by going to your dashboard and clicking on ‘manage’.Then you can either choose your own goal or pick one from our list: Stay calm – count to 10 before I respond. Listen to my partner without jumping in. Try to see it from my partner’s point of view. Notice when I criticise. Take a break if I start getting angry. Say two positive things to my partner every week. The most important this is to PRACTISE. Whatever goals you choose, try them out over the next few weeks. The more you practise, the better you will get.

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Almost done. How are you getting on?

Well done on your progress so far. You're on your way to completing the course. We have a few more questions if you don't mind. You've seen these questions before, but we asking them again to see if anything has changed. It may seem a bit boring, but this is really important for helping us understand how you're getting on. This should only take a few minutes.

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Final questions!

You've almost made it through all of our questions – congratulations. Just a little way to go now. Some of these questions may look familiar to you, but please do bear with us – your answers here make all the difference.

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You're almost there!

We have a few last remaining questions for you. Thanks for bearing with us! They won't take you long, but your answers are incredibly valuable.

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Congratulations! You have completed the course. In this last part, you have learned about how to have better conversations with your partner: HARMFUL arguments can be BAD for your relationship. HELPFUL arguments can be GOOD for your relationship. We all have LOGS and MATCHES, but we also have ways to CALM thing down. For every NEGATIVE MOMENT between you and your partner, you need FIVE POSITIVE MOMENTS to balance it out. When things get tough, the first step is to STOP arguing. As you go about your daily life, keep an eye out for moments when these skills could be useful. Check in with your partner from time to time and remember that you can always come back here if you want to look at anything again. Thank you.

Article | Section 3

Issues

Coping with stress

Escape